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Literature Text
The Archivist's Chronicle
Part 1: Will of the Straw
“Fie on you, William! Fie, for shame!”
“Marleta…”
“That’s three times this week, William. Three!”
“Marleta, please…”
“Did you hear me, child?! I said three! This is the last time I will tolerate this kind of behavior! If you don’t start pulling your weight around here—“
“But I do pull my weight, Marleta. I pull more than my—“
“Don’t you sass me, child!” A sharp slap echoed through the barn. “You’re not fifteen yet! And even when you turn fifteen, you’ll still do as I say, for you’ll still be tied to this orphanage! You haven’t found yourself a job yet, you worthless louse!”
Slowly, he clambered to his feet, dusting the straw and dirt off from where his backside had hit the ground. He kept each movement measured and gradual, not making any sudden motions. When he was upright again, his eyes remained trained on her feet. His tone, though low and respectful, carried no fear.
“There are no jobs, Marleta,” came his even, assertive voice. “Every stable in Jorisha has more than one stableboy. Every inn has too many waiters. Every noble estate or merchant’s manor has too many servants. Every floor that needs scrubbing has two or three urchins scrubbing it. Every chimney that needs sweeping has two boys fighting to sweep it. The same is true from here to Torvalhd in the south, to Mornica in the north and Zerhen in the east.”
“Enough of your rambling! Get a man’s job then, you useless boy!” She brandished her ever-present spatula; he ducked under it with a practiced, resigned ease.
“The men are all home from war, Marleta,” he answered gravely as he straightened again. “They’ve taken their jobs back. And even with all the lives lost, there aren’t enough jobs to go around.”
The portly woman’s icy eyes narrowed to slits. She puffed up like a long-haired tomcat, bristling with anger. “Don’t you dare blame our men just because you’ve failed.” Her harrying shriek had roughly dropped to a low, malevolent hiss.
Despite his calm, Will found his eyes widen, shooting up to meet the orphan matron’s with a startled look. Marleta was always angry, but only once had he ever seen her this livid. His hide still stung from the memory, and that had been nearly eight years ago.
“You slimy, straw-haired, mud-covered, worthless speck. You’re nothing.” She advanced on the boy. He took a step back.
Will didn’t look like a very impressive physical specimen. He was terribly short for his age, barely reaching 5’2”, and besides that had a lean, lanky build. Marleta, though rotund and stunted, stood a good three inches taller than the boy, and had a strength in her sun-speckled arms that every urchin child feared.
And every urchin in the Jorisha Orphanage knew better than to run from Marleta. Running was as bad as spitting in her face. It was far better to take a paddling from her the first time around than to wait until she caught you, because after the chase, the matron discarded the spatula and brought out her favorite whip instead. The rumors ran that her former lover had been a tanner who made his living from whips for the guards at High Pointe Prison.
But as the bush-haired matron advanced on him, Will didn’t care about the rumors. He knew the look in those icy eyes. Miss Marleta Outschoen was out for blood.
And even though he was ridiculously short and looked scrawny enough to blow away in the wind, William Phelan was fast, and everyone knew it.
Except for Miss Marleta, it seemed. For as he nimbly sidestepped the first swipe, pivoted in the straw, and dashed out the barn doors from under her outstretched arm, the enraged shriek that followed him was tinted with bewilderment.
He couldn’t help but smirk.
The sun was high overhead, blinding in its brilliance, tinting the whole blue vale of the summer sky with gold. The air in the woods south of Jorisha was cool and free of the dust that choked the bustling, cobblestone streets of the merchant town. Bright as the sun was, only slants of gold were able to stab through the deep green canopy of deciduous leaves, lighting up what dust lingered until it glittered like fairy lights.
“How bad was it?”
Will had slowed to a jog once he entered the grove, but now he stopped, panting as he peered through the undergrowth. The bushes barely rustled before a slight figure appeared, moving as timid and silent as a cat.
It was a girl, no older than twelve, who peered at Will with brown eyes round as saucers. Her faded, polka-dot frock was smudged with dirt, and her two flame-red pigtails were frizzed and snarled with small twigs. Nonetheless, her freckled face burst into a toothy grin as she realized that Will, other than the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.
“Not so bad,” he replied nonchalantly, though his own face melted into a warm smile. “I ran, though. She’s going to be out for blood this time.”
The girl’s smile shrank, morphing into a reproachful frown. Her brown eyes burned with concern and reprimand. “This is the third time the barn an’ wine cellar keys’ve gone missing while in your care. Sometimes I wonder if you egg her on, Will Phelan,” she scolded. “Why else would she hate you so much?”
Will’s smile, however, remained. He shook his head. “She just hates me, Bethany.” A twinkle suddenly lit up his golden eyes, though his smirk was cool and unassuming. “You know it’s because I’m not afraid of her.”
A laugh burst out of the girl, shattering her authority. “And I’ll bet she can’t stand that!” she hooted. “And I’ll bet she can’t stand the way you always get your chores done before everyone else—“
“—or the way I hide the others who run—“
“—or the way you hide her liquor under the dog’s mattress—“
“—or the way I slip liquor into her gingerwater when the Headmaster comes around—“
“—which was MY idea, by the by Mr. Phelan!”
“Yes it was. And it was right brilliant, too. Except I did it, like I said I would, so I’d get the switching instead of you.”
Bethany’s smile faded, but this time the look that replaced it was softer. Studying. “Why do you always look out for us, Will? I mean, you’re one of the oldest, so it’s sorta your job, but me in p’ticular. Why is that?”
The boy stuffed his hands into his pockets, taking a step towards her. A shaft of sunlight caught his shoulder-length hair, spinning the blond color from straw into gold. He smiled warmly.
“It’s just what I do, Bethany. Besides. Who else is going to?”
Part 1: Will of the Straw
“Fie on you, William! Fie, for shame!”
“Marleta…”
“That’s three times this week, William. Three!”
“Marleta, please…”
“Did you hear me, child?! I said three! This is the last time I will tolerate this kind of behavior! If you don’t start pulling your weight around here—“
“But I do pull my weight, Marleta. I pull more than my—“
“Don’t you sass me, child!” A sharp slap echoed through the barn. “You’re not fifteen yet! And even when you turn fifteen, you’ll still do as I say, for you’ll still be tied to this orphanage! You haven’t found yourself a job yet, you worthless louse!”
Slowly, he clambered to his feet, dusting the straw and dirt off from where his backside had hit the ground. He kept each movement measured and gradual, not making any sudden motions. When he was upright again, his eyes remained trained on her feet. His tone, though low and respectful, carried no fear.
“There are no jobs, Marleta,” came his even, assertive voice. “Every stable in Jorisha has more than one stableboy. Every inn has too many waiters. Every noble estate or merchant’s manor has too many servants. Every floor that needs scrubbing has two or three urchins scrubbing it. Every chimney that needs sweeping has two boys fighting to sweep it. The same is true from here to Torvalhd in the south, to Mornica in the north and Zerhen in the east.”
“Enough of your rambling! Get a man’s job then, you useless boy!” She brandished her ever-present spatula; he ducked under it with a practiced, resigned ease.
“The men are all home from war, Marleta,” he answered gravely as he straightened again. “They’ve taken their jobs back. And even with all the lives lost, there aren’t enough jobs to go around.”
The portly woman’s icy eyes narrowed to slits. She puffed up like a long-haired tomcat, bristling with anger. “Don’t you dare blame our men just because you’ve failed.” Her harrying shriek had roughly dropped to a low, malevolent hiss.
Despite his calm, Will found his eyes widen, shooting up to meet the orphan matron’s with a startled look. Marleta was always angry, but only once had he ever seen her this livid. His hide still stung from the memory, and that had been nearly eight years ago.
“You slimy, straw-haired, mud-covered, worthless speck. You’re nothing.” She advanced on the boy. He took a step back.
Will didn’t look like a very impressive physical specimen. He was terribly short for his age, barely reaching 5’2”, and besides that had a lean, lanky build. Marleta, though rotund and stunted, stood a good three inches taller than the boy, and had a strength in her sun-speckled arms that every urchin child feared.
And every urchin in the Jorisha Orphanage knew better than to run from Marleta. Running was as bad as spitting in her face. It was far better to take a paddling from her the first time around than to wait until she caught you, because after the chase, the matron discarded the spatula and brought out her favorite whip instead. The rumors ran that her former lover had been a tanner who made his living from whips for the guards at High Pointe Prison.
But as the bush-haired matron advanced on him, Will didn’t care about the rumors. He knew the look in those icy eyes. Miss Marleta Outschoen was out for blood.
And even though he was ridiculously short and looked scrawny enough to blow away in the wind, William Phelan was fast, and everyone knew it.
Except for Miss Marleta, it seemed. For as he nimbly sidestepped the first swipe, pivoted in the straw, and dashed out the barn doors from under her outstretched arm, the enraged shriek that followed him was tinted with bewilderment.
He couldn’t help but smirk.
The sun was high overhead, blinding in its brilliance, tinting the whole blue vale of the summer sky with gold. The air in the woods south of Jorisha was cool and free of the dust that choked the bustling, cobblestone streets of the merchant town. Bright as the sun was, only slants of gold were able to stab through the deep green canopy of deciduous leaves, lighting up what dust lingered until it glittered like fairy lights.
“How bad was it?”
Will had slowed to a jog once he entered the grove, but now he stopped, panting as he peered through the undergrowth. The bushes barely rustled before a slight figure appeared, moving as timid and silent as a cat.
It was a girl, no older than twelve, who peered at Will with brown eyes round as saucers. Her faded, polka-dot frock was smudged with dirt, and her two flame-red pigtails were frizzed and snarled with small twigs. Nonetheless, her freckled face burst into a toothy grin as she realized that Will, other than the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.
“Not so bad,” he replied nonchalantly, though his own face melted into a warm smile. “I ran, though. She’s going to be out for blood this time.”
The girl’s smile shrank, morphing into a reproachful frown. Her brown eyes burned with concern and reprimand. “This is the third time the barn an’ wine cellar keys’ve gone missing while in your care. Sometimes I wonder if you egg her on, Will Phelan,” she scolded. “Why else would she hate you so much?”
Will’s smile, however, remained. He shook his head. “She just hates me, Bethany.” A twinkle suddenly lit up his golden eyes, though his smirk was cool and unassuming. “You know it’s because I’m not afraid of her.”
A laugh burst out of the girl, shattering her authority. “And I’ll bet she can’t stand that!” she hooted. “And I’ll bet she can’t stand the way you always get your chores done before everyone else—“
“—or the way I hide the others who run—“
“—or the way you hide her liquor under the dog’s mattress—“
“—or the way I slip liquor into her gingerwater when the Headmaster comes around—“
“—which was MY idea, by the by Mr. Phelan!”
“Yes it was. And it was right brilliant, too. Except I did it, like I said I would, so I’d get the switching instead of you.”
Bethany’s smile faded, but this time the look that replaced it was softer. Studying. “Why do you always look out for us, Will? I mean, you’re one of the oldest, so it’s sorta your job, but me in p’ticular. Why is that?”
The boy stuffed his hands into his pockets, taking a step towards her. A shaft of sunlight caught his shoulder-length hair, spinning the blond color from straw into gold. He smiled warmly.
“It’s just what I do, Bethany. Besides. Who else is going to?”
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Hm hm hm. :3
Okay. Those of you who may have followed any of my writing in the past will probably recognize this character. My watchers may know that my primary role-playing character and major muse is a Homunculus (Fullmetal Alchemist universe) named Will. Well...the Will in this piece is the Will you know, and yet he isn't. For one thing, he's human, and for another, he doesn't make any copyright infringements. XD
At this point, Human!Will is a little different from the angst muffin we all know and love, but that's because the story has just started. He's going to get to that point eventually...and he'll eventually get to a point where he acquires certain abilities that are a shadow of his Homunculus counterpart...
However, Homunculus!Will will NOT be making an appearance in this story. This human Will shall not appear anywhere outside THIS story, either.
See...I actually intend to get this published someday. This is a prologue for a story that I feel has great potential. The overall story itself has no title yet (hence the "untitled" at the top) but hey, did you really expect any less with how much I SUCK at titles? >.>
This story takes place in its own world, a world that I'm in the process of crafting. I've already started a map of the tiny little country where Will and Bethany live (soon to be posted here on DA as well). However, like the overall story, the world itself has no name yet. >.> (For the curious, though, I can tell you right now that their country is called Mylan; the country to the east is Dauns, the one to the west is Artios, to the north is Gildhelm, and to the south is the Sea of Elpia.)
Any suggestions for names, any suggestions for improving diction/characterization/description/imagery, any suggestions at ALL, any COMMENTS at all, are greatly, GREATLY appreciated. Yesthankyou. *bows*
Okay. Those of you who may have followed any of my writing in the past will probably recognize this character. My watchers may know that my primary role-playing character and major muse is a Homunculus (Fullmetal Alchemist universe) named Will. Well...the Will in this piece is the Will you know, and yet he isn't. For one thing, he's human, and for another, he doesn't make any copyright infringements. XD
At this point, Human!Will is a little different from the angst muffin we all know and love, but that's because the story has just started. He's going to get to that point eventually...and he'll eventually get to a point where he acquires certain abilities that are a shadow of his Homunculus counterpart...
However, Homunculus!Will will NOT be making an appearance in this story. This human Will shall not appear anywhere outside THIS story, either.
See...I actually intend to get this published someday. This is a prologue for a story that I feel has great potential. The overall story itself has no title yet (hence the "untitled" at the top) but hey, did you really expect any less with how much I SUCK at titles? >.>
This story takes place in its own world, a world that I'm in the process of crafting. I've already started a map of the tiny little country where Will and Bethany live (soon to be posted here on DA as well). However, like the overall story, the world itself has no name yet. >.> (For the curious, though, I can tell you right now that their country is called Mylan; the country to the east is Dauns, the one to the west is Artios, to the north is Gildhelm, and to the south is the Sea of Elpia.)
Any suggestions for names, any suggestions for improving diction/characterization/description/imagery, any suggestions at ALL, any COMMENTS at all, are greatly, GREATLY appreciated. Yesthankyou. *bows*
© 2008 - 2024 Puckish-Elf
Comments61
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Hello, I saw your link posted in Snailtamer’s journal, so I’ve come to try to other some help. I am not slanting you in anyway! Promise! Everything I say is simply opinion.
A general comment: try not to start a sentence with ‘and’ unless it is the dialect of the character. If you used them at the start, see if you can combine the sentences.
Specific:
1) “But I do pull my weight, Marleta. I pull more than my—“ You may want to give more of a clue to who he is referring to. More than my: brothers? If you use, “I pull more than the-“ it is less vague, but you can still get away without finishing. Or, “I pull more than the other-“, since I don’t know what your alluding to, I really can only guess on that.
2) “You’re not fifteen yet! And even when you turn fifteen…” The ‘and’ seems rather injected, as if it’s interrupting Marleta’s fury. No one does that! You could either not use a word there, or maybe: though, but. Personally, I think it flows better without a word.
3) “You haven’t found yourself a job yet, you worthless louse!” The you before worthless gives the feeling she is still yelling. Without the you, it gives the feeling she has half snarled, half gritted out the rest. Not sure what you intended
4) “Slowly, he clambered to his feet, dusting the straw and dirt off from where his backside had hit the ground.” Had hit does not agree with your other verb tense, you do not need the had. If you want to convey time you could say, “seconds before”. Also, dusting --> ground should go after slowly. Not sure if it is a must, but my Lit. teacher always gets me for that.
5) “Every floor that needs scrubbing has two or three urchins scrubbing it. Every chimney that needs sweeping has two boys fighting to sweep it.” If you combine these two sentences it gives Will a definite end and definition to his short monologue.
6) “he ducked under it with a practiced, resigned ease.” This could be “he ducked under it with a resigned, almost practiced, ease.” I think it flows better when resigned seems to modify practiced, even if it technically isn’t
7) Not really a critic, but I love this characterization! “The portly woman’s icy eyes narrowed to slits. She puffed up like a long-haired tomcat, bristling with anger.” You could try placing something like that earlier on to give a definite image.
8) “Her harrying shriek had roughly dropped to a low, malevolent hiss.” Using roughly here could be confusing; was her voice rough? You could use almost, or check a thesaurus.
9) Combine: “His hide still stung from the memory, and that had been nearly eight years ago”, into possibly “His hide still stung from the memory from nearly eight years ago”
10) “You’re nothing” , if you use “you are nothing”, it gives more emphasis on words. Conjunctions tend to make words flow.
11) “a very impressive physical specimen”. Maybe use ‘
articularly’ instead of ‘very’ for some variation.
12) Before “It was far better” you could place a ‘no’ then a comma. If you read it out loud, it adds pacing.
13) “The rumors ran that” or “The rumors ran amuck that”?
14) “But as the bush-haired matron advanced on him” Two things, maybe change ‘but’ to ‘though’. Isn’t it bushy-haired not bush-haired?
15) “Except for Miss Marleta, it seemed.” Inject, “that is” before that sentence? It seems less abrupt.
16) “Will had slowed to a jog once he entered the grove” Verb agreement! Either make it: had slowed, had entered; or slowed, entered.
17) In “Will, other than the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.” Maybe change it to “Will, beneath the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.” The use of ‘other’ can be strange since the reader hasn’t read the whole sentence yet.
18) “She just hates me, Bethany.” Change it to, “She just does, Bethany.” You’re restating the fact twice otherwise.
19) “—or the way I hide the others who run—“ This is confusing. Run away from the orphanage? Run away from the bushy-haired lady? Try adding more to the sentence to make it clear, the other ones are complete sentences after all.
20) “Besides. Who else is going to?” Wouldn’t that be, “Besides; who else is going to?”
Notes on overall product:
The spacing and placement of descriptions was great, it didn’t split up the dialogue at all or make you forget what you had just read.
Current characterization seems fine, I can’t tell after only the prologue though D:
Try practicing parallel verbs, aka agreeing verbs. I saw a few times it was used, you need to use the same conjugation of a verb together. See comment 4 for specifics.
Overall, can’t wait to read more! It definitely has potential! Geeze, I didn’t mean this to be so long. Your eyes probably popped out of their sockets when you saw this.
A general comment: try not to start a sentence with ‘and’ unless it is the dialect of the character. If you used them at the start, see if you can combine the sentences.
Specific:
1) “But I do pull my weight, Marleta. I pull more than my—“ You may want to give more of a clue to who he is referring to. More than my: brothers? If you use, “I pull more than the-“ it is less vague, but you can still get away without finishing. Or, “I pull more than the other-“, since I don’t know what your alluding to, I really can only guess on that.
2) “You’re not fifteen yet! And even when you turn fifteen…” The ‘and’ seems rather injected, as if it’s interrupting Marleta’s fury. No one does that! You could either not use a word there, or maybe: though, but. Personally, I think it flows better without a word.
3) “You haven’t found yourself a job yet, you worthless louse!” The you before worthless gives the feeling she is still yelling. Without the you, it gives the feeling she has half snarled, half gritted out the rest. Not sure what you intended
4) “Slowly, he clambered to his feet, dusting the straw and dirt off from where his backside had hit the ground.” Had hit does not agree with your other verb tense, you do not need the had. If you want to convey time you could say, “seconds before”. Also, dusting --> ground should go after slowly. Not sure if it is a must, but my Lit. teacher always gets me for that.
5) “Every floor that needs scrubbing has two or three urchins scrubbing it. Every chimney that needs sweeping has two boys fighting to sweep it.” If you combine these two sentences it gives Will a definite end and definition to his short monologue.
6) “he ducked under it with a practiced, resigned ease.” This could be “he ducked under it with a resigned, almost practiced, ease.” I think it flows better when resigned seems to modify practiced, even if it technically isn’t
7) Not really a critic, but I love this characterization! “The portly woman’s icy eyes narrowed to slits. She puffed up like a long-haired tomcat, bristling with anger.” You could try placing something like that earlier on to give a definite image.
8) “Her harrying shriek had roughly dropped to a low, malevolent hiss.” Using roughly here could be confusing; was her voice rough? You could use almost, or check a thesaurus.
9) Combine: “His hide still stung from the memory, and that had been nearly eight years ago”, into possibly “His hide still stung from the memory from nearly eight years ago”
10) “You’re nothing” , if you use “you are nothing”, it gives more emphasis on words. Conjunctions tend to make words flow.
11) “a very impressive physical specimen”. Maybe use ‘
articularly’ instead of ‘very’ for some variation.12) Before “It was far better” you could place a ‘no’ then a comma. If you read it out loud, it adds pacing.
13) “The rumors ran that” or “The rumors ran amuck that”?
14) “But as the bush-haired matron advanced on him” Two things, maybe change ‘but’ to ‘though’. Isn’t it bushy-haired not bush-haired?
15) “Except for Miss Marleta, it seemed.” Inject, “that is” before that sentence? It seems less abrupt.
16) “Will had slowed to a jog once he entered the grove” Verb agreement! Either make it: had slowed, had entered; or slowed, entered.
17) In “Will, other than the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.” Maybe change it to “Will, beneath the dirt and straw clinging to his worn black britches and stained, forest-green turtleneck, was unharmed.” The use of ‘other’ can be strange since the reader hasn’t read the whole sentence yet.
18) “She just hates me, Bethany.” Change it to, “She just does, Bethany.” You’re restating the fact twice otherwise.
19) “—or the way I hide the others who run—“ This is confusing. Run away from the orphanage? Run away from the bushy-haired lady? Try adding more to the sentence to make it clear, the other ones are complete sentences after all.
20) “Besides. Who else is going to?” Wouldn’t that be, “Besides; who else is going to?”
Notes on overall product:
The spacing and placement of descriptions was great, it didn’t split up the dialogue at all or make you forget what you had just read.
Current characterization seems fine, I can’t tell after only the prologue though D:
Try practicing parallel verbs, aka agreeing verbs. I saw a few times it was used, you need to use the same conjugation of a verb together. See comment 4 for specifics.
Overall, can’t wait to read more! It definitely has potential! Geeze, I didn’t mean this to be so long. Your eyes probably popped out of their sockets when you saw this.