Confessions

“Kensi.”

Ashari looked up sharply; blue eyes narrowing to focus on the young man standing a few yards from the doorway of the Café.  Her pen stopped mid-word, then dropped from her hand, clattering over the notebook and onto the bar.

Will’s expression had Ashari off the barstool, on her feet, and crossing the room before she could even form her next thought.

His look was so agonized, so despondent, so miserable, so pained—

“What happened?”

He was silent.  His form was slack, arms hanging limply at his sides.  Water dripped off his fingers, and Ashari abruptly noticed he was soaked to the skin.  Water plastered his golden bangs to his face and the shoulder-length tresses to his neck.

As the young woman reached him, her hands immediately began flitting over his form, fussing.  They brushed his cheeks, rested on his shoulders, and then pulled back as she examined him from head to foot.  One hand reached behind his neck, an instinctive motion to check for fever although the Homunculus never acquired viral diseases.

“Was it Envy?”  Her expression darkened, blue eyes churning with quiet wrath.  “Did he do something to you?”

“Satzuni.”

Ashari blinked.  “Satzuni?”  Her eyes bulged.  “Oh my God.  Is she okay?   What happened?!”  Her hands fell to his shoulders once again, trapping him in an intensely worried look.

Again, Will’s deadened voice sounded.  Neither his slack face nor heartless tone seemed as if they could be any more despondent.  “No.  She left.”

Ashari blinked, once more, blue eyes wide.

“She’s with Victor now.”

Silence.

Ashari’s face sank.  It twisted into a pitying grimace, which quickly morphed into a pained one.  “Oh, Will…”  Her voice, no longer urgent with worry, grew soft and pained, as if she truly shared the young one’s heartache.  “Will, I’m so sorry…”

Though she knew that the words would do nothing, she said them anyway.  She tried to make up for the futility of her words by pulling the boy into a tender, loving embrace.  Her hugs had always done him such good before…they had sheltered him from the storms of his own mind, from the terrors that dogged his steps, from being torn apart in battle.  She only hoped that they could help now…even if it was just a little.  She knew, in her very core, that this would be his greatest battle yet…and that she might not be able to save him this time.

And Will had always taken shelter and solace from her arms.  This was the woman who had raised him out of nothing.  This was the woman to whom he owed his life, his mind, his soul, though she made it clear time and again that he owed her nothing.  Her words mattered, her comfort mattered, because he loved her with all his heart.

He always tried so hard not to burden her, though.  As much he knew she loved to watch over him and look after him, he knew that his own ridiculous excuse for a life was far more horrifying and chaotic than Ashari deserved to have to deal with.

But he had come to her.  He had come back to her now, for she was the only place left he had to turn.  He clung to her like a child clings to his mother, and before he knew it, Will was shaking with silent sobs.

She said nothing, but pulled him to her.  She could feel his knees give from the weight of his grief, and let him slowly sink to the floor, holding him and supporting him on the way down.  A moment later, she was sitting up on the floor of the Café, and he was splayed halfway in her lap and halfway over the floor, clutching her for everything he was worth.

He needed to cry.  She understood all too well the need to cry.  Not only that, but the Traveller sensed that he had come to her this night because he needed to cry.

The sobs began to intensify, and Ashari wondered how long he had been holding this in.  She gently eased his forehead to her collarbone, not caring that his snot and tears would stain her blue turtleneck.  That’s what mothers were for—giving up their shoulders as tissues.  Her other hand held him closely, slowly stroking his back, knowing just the right leylines of the body to relax and soothe the boy.

It took a long time for the storm to quiet down.  At first he had been silent, but the sobs that choked him would not stay in his throat and chest, demanding to be heard.  He wasn’t terribly noisy—he wasn’t wailing—but it had been enough.  The tears flowed and flowed, and had Will cared about anything in that moment, he would have been afraid that they’d never stop.

After many long minutes, he simply hung there in her embrace, still cleaving to her.  And she held him against her chest, occasionally squeezing him lovingly, occasionally rubbing his back.  She silently waited for the rest of the storm to come.

“It’s all my fault.”

Will’s heartbroken whisper didn’t surprise her, but it seared her nonetheless.  There was so much agony in his voice—not like the agony of the body or mind, but the worst kind, the quiet agony of a broken soul.  She grimaced, her breath nearly hitching, and hugged him tighter.

“I should have been there for her, Kensi.”

Ashari remained silent, knowing he had more to say.  She needed to let him say what he needed to say before offering any words of comfort.

“I should never have taken on this task.  Fate pulling me away…that’s what started this.”

Ashari didn’t want to remind Will that if he had never become a Traveller, he would have never met Satzuni.  That was exactly the thing he didn’t need to hear right now.

“And because I wasn’t there…there was a man…Victor.  He was…he seduced her at first…”

Ashari frowned fiercely, glad that Will’s face was still in her collarbone and that he couldn’t see hers.  The concentrated rancor on her face would have made even Envy balk.  A man named Victor seducing Will’s love had been responsible for pulling her away from him?  Perfect.  Ashari loved a scapegoat when someone she loved was hurting.  And if this bastard had been the one to make her baby cry, then Heaven help him.  He was going to beg for mercy.

“But then…then she fell in love with him.  She really loves him, Kensi, and not just because…because of…before…”

The momentary flare of rage, no matter how intense, abated as suddenly as it had come, pushed away immediately by a crippling sense of guilt.  Love…there really was love involved there?  Then she couldn’t.  There was nothing she could do for retribution.  That twisted at her.

Ashari was a warrior, through and through.  She did what needed to be done, fought when she needed to fight, and always tried to fight with honor.  But when fighting wasn’t necessary, when talking things out or simply walking away would be the far wiser choices, Ashari always took the non-violent way out.  As she had gotten older, she had come to realize how much she really hated confrontation.  Not purely for the fact that it was violence, but simply for the fact of what battle did to her.  She often became…someone unlike herself.

Except when it came to people she loved.  If any of her dear friends, or, Heaven forbid, any of her family became threatened or hurt, Ashari lost it.  She threw all caution, all honor to the four winds and sought retribution with a ferocity that everyone, enemies and allies alike, feared.  She knew that it was a weakness of hers, and she didn’t care.  Not a bit.  She would throw away everything for her family without a second’s hesitation.

And Will counted as family.  No question there.  It didn’t matter that she was only twenty years old and not, by her standards, old enough to be a parent, and that he was a two-and-a-half year old Homunculus in the body of a sixteen-year-old.  He was her son.  She had raised him.  She had taught him right from wrong.  And she’d challenge Fate, or God Himself, to keep Will from harm.

But there was no challenge to be had.  She believed Will.  His tone, though persistently lifeless, rang full of truth.  Satzuni really did love this Victor character.  There was nothing she could do against him.  Satzuni was her friend for one thing, and Ashari would never backstab her like that, not to mention that anything that hurt Satzuni would devastate Will.

Dear God…help us…what a mess…

Will didn’t seem to be finished, either.

“And now…now everything’s ruined…everything’s over…”  A shuddering sob shook him as he took in a breath.  “But it never started.  Oh God…”

“Shhhh.”  The soothing sound left her lips before she could stop it; so much for her policy of silence.  Her hand returned to rubbing his back, dragging the heel of her thumb up and down the side of his spine, hoping it would ease some of the tension there.

“I never knew what love was.”  The words twisted with grief, squeaking on a syllable or two, but he plowed on.  “You had to tell me what the different types of love were.  Mother, brother, father, sister, friend, pet, grandmother…I never knew.  I never really understood, not even after that.  How could I…”  A sob choked him, but he shuddered it out, determined to voice his grief and guilt.  “How could I be so arrogant…to believe that I deserved her love?  I never knew how to love her right…”

“That’s not true.”  She couldn’t help herself.  Not with that note of self-loathing in his voice.  She couldn’t stand that tone.  “You know how to love.  I’ve seen it.”

“Kensi—” He jerked in her grasp, so she loosened her grip on him.  He wiggled back a bit, letting his head fall so that he could gaze up into her eyes.  Her heart nearly shattered into pieces on seeing that look, so broken and desperate she felt her soul cry out with him.  By some miracle, she kept her face benevolently sympathetic, though her eyes echoed with her sorrow.

“I don’t even know how to love you right.”

She blinked, and before she could stop it, the smallest of pensive frowns creased her brow.  Wait…did he mean…she had suspected, but never wanted to admit…

“I loved you differently for a long time.  You knew that, right?  There was a time when I loved—when I thought I loved—like I do for Satzuni.  Like I was in love with you.  I didn’t know what to make of it.  I didn’t know what to do with it.  I tried, tried loving you like a sister or a mother but something in me just wouldn’t click right and I hated myself for doing that to you—”  His words were growing more pained and frantic, desperate to spill from the depths of his soul, “—until Satzuni.  Until I met her and I fell in love with her.  Then it became so clear to me.  I knew just how to love you—differently than I love her.  But even then I think I was fooling myself.  I…dear God…I think some part of that is still in me, even though I still love Satzuni so much…what was it that you said?  ‘Once you love someone, they never truly leave your heart?’  But Kensi—Kensi—you’ll always be like my mother.  For obvious reasons it’s hard for me to call you that, but…that is how I love you.  I know it, because that’s how it should be.  But…even so…God I just don’t know anything anymore…”

He trailed off, his silence heavy with despondency.  And she pulled him close to her once again, desperate to ease away his pain.  Such a confession seemed to have drained what strength he had left.  She kissed the top of his head, then squeezed him again.

“Oh Will,” Ashari cursed herself as the syllables wheezed like they were a prelude to sobs, “don’t even worry.  Please, please don’t.  I have to admit, I did see this coming.  It’s only natural; you’re young, you’re so young, and you had to become a sixteen-year-old when you were only six months old, or you wouldn’t survive.  It isn’t fair that this is the lot given to you.  But I don’t hold it against you.  Please don’t think that.  I know you—you think that your feelings for me would be a burden on me.  That they would hurt me or tie me down somehow.  But I promise you, my child, that no matter what you felt in the past or feel now, that you know what is right.  You know.  Don’t doubt yourself like that.  You know full well what is right and wrong, and not because I told you stories and spun metaphors.  It’s because you’re a good, pure soul, and because you have a free will.”

The words exited her all in a rush, and once they were spent, Ashari felt a rare moment:  she had nothing to say.  She truly, honestly had nothing to say.  It was awkward, disturbing, and unsettling for her; she, who had always valued her gift with words as her most precious, was speechless.  It made her feel inadequate somehow.

But Will was in her arms.  He was limp with grief, heavy with doubt, sagging with guilt and lifeless with self-loathing.  And she realized that that was all that mattered.

So she held him.  Time slipped away from them both, minutes sliding into minutes with the hapless randomness of a leaf drifting on the wind.  Ashari pulled him up every so often so that she wouldn’t just fall out of her grasp, for even though he clutched her, gravity was conspiring with the weights on his heart to bring him down.

“Nothing will ever be the same again,” Will murmured suddenly.  Ashari’s blue eyes flitted down to rest on his golden head as she listened.  “Between Satzuni and I.  Even if she still loves me, she’ll never look at me the same way again.  I…can’t blame her.”

“I don’t deserve her, Kensi.  She’s so much older.  She’s your age, you know.  Old enough to be my mother.”

He paused.  Whether this was to let the statement sink in or simply because he was gathering his words out of the shattered pieces of his soul, Ashari didn’t know, but the statement made her eyes widen.  She…had never thought of it that way.

“She needs someone older.  Someone mature.  Someone who won’t fall into piecesat the drop of a hat,” at these words he clutched fiercely at his mentor, fingers digging into her shirt, “or just up and leave her without a moment’s notice.  I can’t…support her.  I can’t hold her up.  I can’t even be there for her.”

“It just…wasn’t working.”

“But it hurts so much.  Relationship things like this…for other people…they’re not supposed to be this complicated…right?  They’re not supposed to hurt so much…just be…normal, everyday, facts of life…”

And against all odds, despite all the pain in both their hearts, she smiled at him.

“Yep,” Ashari whispered.  “You’re in love, all right.”

He released his grip on her, sliding down into her lap.  From there, Will feebly rolled over so that he was lying across Ashari’s legs with his head on one thigh, looking up at her with confusion tingeing his otherwise-empty, clouded eyes.

She bathed him in her smile, though her eyes, ever the windows to her soul, remained sorrowful, rueful.  “You’re definitely in love.  Head over heels in love.  And…well…you can’t really expect things to affect you the way they do other people.  You’re so unique.  You have such a big heart, Will.  It’s big enough to let in all of humanity, and then some.  You love life with an intensity that no one has ever seen.  So it’s no wonder that hurts in your heart hit you this hard.”

Will blinked, slowly, as his mind tried to assimilate her convoluted alliteration.  Ashari saw the confusion on his face and paused, her smile growing.

“You have no walls on your heart.  Not like me.  Not like every other member of this bumbling, sometimes-crazed, sometimes-depraved race we call Humanity.  And that’s part of what makes you so amazing.  You let so many people into your heart, and not just that—you care for each and every one of them with every fiber of your being.  I cannot even tell you how rare, precious, and beautiful such a heart is.”

“And…you’re young.  You’re very young.  You haven’t known life’s hard knocks yet.  You haven’t made the mistakes the rest of us have.  Because of that, you’ve never seen any reason to close your heart off or turn it to stone.”

“Will, I’ve given you a lot of advice, but I’ve always tried not to tell you to do things, because I want above all else for you to make your own decisions in life.  But I am going to tell you this now.  Don’t ever close off your heart.  Don’t ever turn it to stone.  Doing so doesn’t save you from being hurt.  It brings a hurt more crippling than anything you—even you, in the midst of all your suffering—have ever known.  I pray you’ll never know that pain.”

“And for the record?”  For a moment, her smile quipped into a smirk, then settled back again into that warm look.  “The relationships and breakups that other people go through might be everyday, but they are never simple.  Ever.  Assuming a relationship will be simple is a little foolish, actually.  And thinking that any breakup isn’t complicated is just plain naïve.  But, my dear Little One, you’re excused.  As I’ve said before, naturally you aren’t as wise to the ways of the world as us Calloused Many.  Not to mention that this is your first romance.”

Will’s lips twitched; it was the only motion that deadened face had shown since Will had walked into the door, and Ashari read the meaning behind it clearly.  He wasn’t on the same wavelength as her in her last statements.  Clearly Will didn’t agree that his naïveté was excusable.

The warmth in Ashari’s smile grew.  Her deep eyes glittered with something they seldom showed to anyone, much less Will, this broken boy for whom she needed to be strong.  Her voice lowered.

“Do you want to know a secret?”

Mild sparks of confusion and startlement appeared in Will’s eyes, those lifeless pools of gold.

“I am jealous of you.”

The astonishment in Will’s eyes grew until it coated every surface.  “Envious…of…of me?” the boy croaked.

Ashari nodded slowly.  “You have known true love.  You’re still in the midst of it.  True Love, Will.  To love completely, unconditionally, without question, hesitation, or even reason.  Did you know that the love you have for Satzuni is a love that everyone desires?  Everyone, and I mean everyone, regardless of where they come from, who they are, or even what they are.  If they’re sentient and capable of love, they want it.  Badly.”

“I have never known True Love.  I’ve searched for it, and I haven’t found it yet.  I thought I did…once…”  Her voice quieted, her look darkening as it turned inward.  Pale blond hair and steely green eyes flashed in her mind’s eye.  “But…it simply didn’t work out.  Sometimes I wonder if he really is The One…or if I was wrong all along.”

Will’s eyes began to widen.  Ashari never talked like this.  He had seen her bare her heart like this only a handful of times.  She always tried her damndest to be strong, to support him.  

But she trusted him enough to share these things with him.  Will knew that.  They each trusted each other with their lives; theirs was an understanding that ran deep, without words, without explanation.

“But you’re sure.”  When she continued, her ocean orbs swirled with the determination that Will had seen there so many times, that he loved to see, because it meant that Ashari was about to say or do something really worth hearing or seeing.  And she was determined to convince Will of what she was about to tell him.  “You are absolutely sure that you love her.  Even after all that’s happened, even after all the hurt and heartache, you still love her.  You said so yourself.”

He blinked, slowly.  “Yes.”

“Then it is True Love, Will.  You know it.  You know how you love her better than I, and even I can see that you love her unconditionally.”

“I…could never stop loving her, even if I wanted to.”

“That’s right.”

“But Kensi…I think it might…be better if I didn’t.”

A scowl snapped onto her face so suddenly that it made Will flinch.  “How can you say that?”

“Be…cause…if I didn’t love her like this…I could let her go.”

Ashari shook her head.  Will’s stomach sank.  He had seen that look before.  She was disappointed with him.  He hated that look.

“Will.”  The tone was low and grave, and carried a very subtle note of reprimand.  “What have I said all those times about emotions?”

Will knew.  He could have quoted her word for word if he wanted to, but he didn’t speak.  It was one of the first lessons she had taught him, as soon as he was cognizant enough to understand it.  He let her say it again.

“There is no such thing as a wrong emotion.  Emotions are there to tell you something.  That is so especially true with this one.  Will, this love that you have for Satzuni is beyond precious.  It’s priceless.  You can’t ever let it go, no matter what.”

“Kensi…I just told you…that I couldn’t.”

“Well good!”  Her sudden spurt of vehemence made Will jolt.  Seeing this, she lowered her voice again.  “And don’t even think of letting it go, ever.  Love hurts, I know, and even if you love her for all of time, it will be worth it.”

As Will lay there across her lap, as she held him close to her chest, as he looked up at her, his eyes echoed volumes of incredulity.  “How…could you say that?  That it would be worth it to…to hurt?  Kensi…I don’t understand.”

“Because it’s something, Will.  Even if everything else falls away—even if everything you’ve ever known suddenly changes—even if the Multiverse bends and warps beyond recognition…you’ll still have that love.  Even if she’s no longer there to receive it, you’ll always be able to say, Yes.  ‘Yes, I loved—I still love.  Truly.  Deeply.  Without condition or even reason.  I have known the Ultimate Realization of Love.  Love, that amazing mystery that is the Ultimate Goal that ties in with the Ultimate Realization of Life.’”

“Because then…then, you’ll be able to find yourself again.”

Will’s astonishment, finally, overtook his entire face.  He didn’t think he’d say all that…he simply didn’t talk like that.  Only Ashari made cryptic, grandiose statements like that.

But it was the last part that stirred him.

“When…”  His mutter was almost too quiet to hear, as if he wasn’t aware of his own voice.  “When all is lost in darkness…even myself…then love lights the way?”

Ashari’s smile spread nearly from ear to ear.  It radiated warmth and immense satisfaction.  For her, this was an Ultimate Realization, one of the things that she lived for.  Her boy, her child, her Little One, had heard, had understood, and had taken it all to heart.  Her words had moved.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself, Little One.”

She gathered him up into her arms and squeezed him into a hug.